running · self-esteem

On fear

I had a very humbling run this weekend. I kicked my shoes off afterwards, and I said some unkind things to myself. I’ve been pouting a bit since.
I have a running/training journal – I am that kind of nerd, obviously – and today I flipped open to a quote that resonated pretty strongly with me.
“Turn down the volume of fear and turn up the volume of confidence and resilience.”
It caused me to pause, and to reflect upon my journey within the past year. I have made significant gains since my return to running just last April.
Last year I had side stitches every time I tried to run. I couldn’t run more than 3 slow miles. Hills defeated me at each and every attempt.
This year? I have run double-digit miles, multiple times a week. I have run up and down mountains. I have raced. I have made new personal records.
That one difficult run terrified me this weekend. It put fear in my mind that I could not accomplish my biggest goal this year. That I couldn’t finish my first half marathon in two years. That I could not redeem myself after my last embarrassing finish.
In my opinion it is good to acknowledge fear. It is more than okay to have fear.
But I’ve come too far to let fear keep me from the starting line. I’ve come too far to let fear keep me from trying.
I can have fear, but I will be resilient.
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