Your body will follow what your mind and spirit believe is possible.
I’ve had some killer runs recently, and I’ve rocked them. I have accomplished things that my mind did not believe possible and my body has never truly attempted. Up until this weekend I was really riding that high. I felt truly proud of my growth. I have felt pride in my diligent and dedicated approach to my training within the past year.
But of course with a period of highs there usually comes a period of lows. The following paragraphs may contain a lot of self-deprecating language, and ambiguity. For me sometimes the best thing I can do to cut down on the negative self-talk and replaying my missteps in my mind is to write it out. So I suppose this is what this is an attempt at.
Personally speaking, this weekend was not ideal for me. Sitting here, I don’t really have the words to describe how disappointed I am in myself – for letting myself down, for letting my emotions get the better of me, and for not staying true to a promise I had made to myself. And to add insult to injury, these decisions impacted my training. I missed a long run. A crucial long run. Due to my own stupidity and lack of forethought.
Of course missing this workout is putting me through a lot of remorse, self-doubt, and distrust in my ability to compete well this May at my 1/2.
Now this isn’t the first time I have missed a workout, and I’m sure it won’t be my last. But after spending months building myself up, recovering from my previous misadventures, healing my heart, and somehow miraculously digging myself out of a pit of self-loathing where I could finally feel pride in my abilities…I’m taking this hit hard. As you can tell, I’m not just talking about running.
I put myself in a position I didn’t want to put myself in. I allowed old wounds to re-open and I really only have myself to blame. I put myself in a position where I was unable to train, which is not only important and necessary to the core of who I am – but also something that provides me with a sense of accomplishment and purpose. Something that I use to ward off my self-doubts, painful memories, and quite frankly to bury feelings that need to be left buried.
I wonder how long I will repeat this cycle for. I wonder how many times I will take these steps back. How many times will I negate my hard work through self-sabotage? No, not just running. My hard work at healing my own heart as well.
I can’t make up the miles I missed on Sunday. I can’t take back the things that went wrong on Saturday. I can’t take back my actions, my words, my feelings. But I can move on. I can dust myself off and try to forgive myself. I can patch those old wounds and I can put my body through a hard run tonight to remind myself of what truly matters to me. I have to believe that I am capable and meant for more than I give myself credit for. I have to believe that my body will forgive me, even if my mind will not. I have to believe that running, racing, training will all be there to carry me through this too.