running

exploration of self

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I feel a bit lost.

The past few months I have spent exploring the pieces of myself that I want to cultivate, that I want to grow and flourish. It has been quite a year, and I have learned a lot about the person that I am and the person that I wish to be.

  • I want to work hard. My current position does not challenge me, it does not afford me new professional development experiences, it does not help me to grow and it does not allow for me to put my nose to the grindstone. To achieve the level of satisfaction in my work and career that my heart desires I realize I must be challenged, I need the long hours hard at work when everyone else is home.
  • I want to contribute. Again, this focuses more on my career and work-life than anything else. I do not just want to be a cog in the wheel. I do not want to be a placeholder. I want to be indispensable and recognized for my efforts and hard work. I want to be a part of the foundation that makes my work environment amazing.
  • I want to be confident. This is in all aspects of my life. I am currently trying to put myself in a position to feel that I am capable, to accept my flaws but to realize that they do not define me. It is historically difficult for me to have faith in my abilities, thoughts and ideas. Through positive self-talk, taking chances and opening myself up to more opportunity to express myself I hope to increase my confidence.
  • I want to be strong. In the physical sense of the word, I have always struggled with this. Chronic illness has often left me too tired, or in no shape to even attempt physical exertion. Over the years I have found a love-hate relationship with running and I have attempted to encourage this whenever possible. With the move to Albany this year I have found a supportive and amazing group of female runners; this group has allowed for me to accept my own definition of strength and I have met some amazing people and new friends through it. My rediscovered love of running has also lead into a new flirtation – with weightlifting. I am three weeks into a power-lifting program and while I don’t know that I see the physical differences, I feel amazing. There is something cathartic about lifting as much as you can. There is something powerful in allowing yourself to have pride for lifting heavy things. I will be registering for another half marathon in May, and I will continue to lift through this training cycle.
  • I want to know my value. Of course this also ties into my feelings of self-doubt, and lack of confidence overall – but I want to learn to recognize my value more in everyday life. To start on this path I want to focus more on positive self-talk, which is notoriously hard for me but very important.

I have learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. That I should be more selective with the people that I focus my time, love and energy on. That I should be more focused, and more fearless, in my career and in my life. I have wasted too much time on negative self talk, on people that do not deserve my attention, and in roles that will never recognize me for the asset that I can be.

As much as I hate the phrase: New Year -> New Me.

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